Tuesday, April 7

thoughts on purpose, signs of spring

     You may have noticed, I haven't been as attentive to my daily posting as I usually am.  I hit a wall and had to give in to riding the waves that sometime take over this body of mine.  When a flare hits, it tends to strike points of vulnerability first, which are places I've had injuries and surgeries in the past - primarily my back and hands.  Those are where it lingers longest as well.  The most difficult to deal with (emotionally) are my hands, of course.  As an artist, one who creates, being *cut off* from her hands often feels akin to being cut off from my purpose.  While I know I am not defined by what I do, and my true purpose isn't simply to create art, it is amazing to me how empty I feel, and lost I am, when this ability is withheld.  {held within}
     I dare say there isn't a person out there that hasn't struggled at some point in their life, or won't at some point, with their own sense of purpose or a desire to find a path for their life that gives them a satisfying sense of purpose.  Isn't this a universal human need? 

purpose |ˈpərpəs|
     the reason for which something is done or created or for which 
     something exists : the purpose of the meeting is to appoint a trustee | the 
     building is no longer needed for its original purpose.
     • a person's sense of resolve or determination : there was a new sense of 
     purpose in her step as she set off.
     • (usu.
purposes) a particular requirement or consideration, 
     typically one that is temporary or restricted in scope or extent : 
     pensions are considered as earned income for tax purposes.

verb [ trans. ]
have as one's intention or objective :
God has allowed suffering, even purposed 
     it. See note at INTEND .

on purpose intentionally.
to no purpose with no result or effect; pointlessly.
to the purpose relevant or useful : you may have heard something from 
them that is to the purpose.
ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French porpos, from the verb 
porposervariant of proposer (see PROPOSE ).

     While attempting to seek peace in this pause, the season is changing around me.  The bird activity is wonderful, while the chipmunks have reappeared and are dancing about below our feeders.  On the flip side, spring "clean up" has begun, and leaf blowers roar throughout the neighborhood... Blessings mix, always!  I wish each neighborhood could be assigned one day of the week for this seemingly endless battle against nature.  Rally for rakes!!  I admit guilt though, we tried to keep up on our own, and had to hire help - and can't find help that will use electric blowers, or rakes.

     Spring is often thought of as a time of hope and renewal, but the past couple of years I find dread is a part of the experience that creeps into my being.  It is a time that reminds me of what I can't do anymore. As the garden begins to sprout and my desire to plant and dig, trim and weed builds, I simply can't.  To bend, squat, to clip with even the sharpest and well fitted hand tools means days of recovery that feel like a punishment for pleasure than pleasure alone. I am such a "hands on" kind of person, to stand back and 'hand over' the garden to another is really hard.  I get much more pleasure from experiencing gardening, than from the garden itself.  Process not product.  The pictures scattered through this post are from my attempt to get into appreciation mode.  I wandered the yard today, with my camera and macro lens attached, seeking the tiniest signs of spring and new growth - as well as this indoor product:

     It's pepper picking time, and another round of potential peppers is preparing for production! (say that five times fast!) 
     For those of you newer to my blog, I introduced my pepper plant a while back, and you can see it's humble beginnings here and part two here.  This plant volunteered itself into my life after I ate a salad next to a cactus and must have flung a seed into the pot, where it took root about a year and a half ago now.  It has seen me through two back surgeries and this is the second pepper that has fully grown!  Yum yum, and thank you pepper plant :)


  1. Karin I am just happy that you are starting to feel a bit better. I love you art but I love you more so I can wait. I know it will come and I know that it will be well worth it when it does.

    Love the pictures and the little pepper plant.

    Love Renee xoxo

  2. Peace, prayers,hugs and love as you go through the changes, precious pepper pamperer and preparer.

    Pecks !;-)

  3. Oh Karin,

    I am sorry, for the injuries that prevent you from doing things you love.

    But I needed to tell you, you've taken the words and thoughts right out of my head, seemingly.

    Right now, I'm completely distraught that I have absolutely no apparent purpose in life. I've wandered so far and wide, and lived the life of a gypsy.

    And what I seem to have is a life that's disconnected from almost all the people I know. I'm not an integral part of anyone's daily life. Not at all. If people don't hear from me for days, or even weeks... that's not an unusual thing.

    Really I crave that, but I'm also afraid of that kind of intimacy.

    And I'm at a point where, it does matter what I choose to do with myself. Yet, I can't choose.

    Its a time of very deep questioning for me, and I have no answers, not yet.

    I tend to view these things very darkly, but your post has shone some much needed light on this process.

    So thank you for that. Very much. :)

  4. I am glad you can type, and for your words of encouragement. I am overly busy right now and at a low ebb energy wise and that makes me sappy!I fell for you about your hands, somedays mine are bad but those are rare days - I can't imagine not being able to garden, it is the only activity I can rely on to bring me peace, it is mindless in a zen way that slows down my monkey-chatter mind and lets me just be.

  5. hey karin,
    it's so good to be back on your blog!!! i have been so tired lately that i couldn't sit at the computer for long - except to make my movie about my india trip... which has been helping me to process, stay with the feeling i got while i was there... and relive parts of it. i LOVE your butterfly piece and know that it will bring lots of $$$ if not smiles to everyone's face that get to see it in person (and online). love the slide show too. it made me feel like i was in the studio with you while you were making it. i will have to come back here more times to soak it all in... you've been busy!!! so sorry to hear that you are not doing ok lately... know that you are in my thoughts and have been all this time since i last saw you:)
    peace and love,

  6. I love the story of the seed. I hope you feel better soon. Enjoyed these macro photograps.I have an award for you on my blog, yesterday's post.

  7. Beautiful pictures! Hope you're feeling better soon.

  8. magnificent post, as always.
    no, it doesn't help that spring should be called flare time either, I so hate that your hands are the source of your pain. Fortunately for me, I'm not a gardener, I think that would add so much to the sense of loss.
    thanks for sharing and hope you feel better enough soon!

  9. Thanks Renee, It's funny how weird it's felt to have skipped so many days of no art here! but I appreciate your saying that, and I'll take some of your patience for me ;) xox

    Ppppperfectly put, Kim!

    hmmm Svasti, I read your post and we are so on the same purpose page! I am sorry for the depression that wrangles it's way through these periods. As difficult as it is I've found value in that place, too - stepping into the darkness and the intimacy... I remember a time when I forced myself to make one phone call a day, just to make sure I would connect with someone- test my boundaries of intimacy. Even though it felt like the scariest thing - just to talk to a friend, or to make a new one... Spirit is obviously seeking that connection, while fear/ego holds us back, but for me it always comes down to - what have I got to lose?! nadda! and oh so much to gain. So I extend my hand in friendship :) art2heal@earthlink.net

    Hi Deb, yes, I'm glad to be back to typing! I sensed that more than just the event was causing your blues - it's nice to have a place to vent though, isn't it?! 'cause we've all been there! Yes, the Garden is such a place for healing - I find I am deeply craving
    nature time, and have limited ways of experiencing it, but am finding them as I can.

    Hi Jennifer, I hope your talk and presentation go well this friday - sure wish I could attend! i'm glad you are home safe and sound, and really look forward to seeing your journal in person, watching your movie and hearing your stories soon. much love :)

    Thank you Ces! The Renee Award is one I am thrilled and honored to accept. I feel a part of some thing rich, mad, and wonderful!!!

    Thank you Heather - I am improving as I type :)

    Hey Patti, thank you. I know you can relate in other ways, if not through the garden! I'm glad we have each other for support along the way.

    By the way, I couldn't wait to add it to a salad or anything else, so just ate my pepper as is, and it was DElicious!!

  10. Karin, you are such a creative source of positive inspiration. To encourage organic thinking is enriched by things like gardening and a healthy self-view. I am grateful to cross paths with you repeatedly during our continuing spiritual odyssey.

  11. Karin, not to put any pressure on you but everyday I check for your post and if there is none I check again and again. Then I start thinking about you and that you must be in pain. I think it makes the days without you to inspire me seem all that much longer...And then lo and behold you come back with a different yet lovely view. I can't believe the flowers. I don't think I'll see them around here for another month. This is a beautiful and positive post. Good days lie ahead.

    The pepper is just beautiful. I've grown them in my garden so I know just how great it must have tasted! The way it came to be, this little lost seed that could, perfection!

    On another note, about the worm, the story you told just blows me away...I'm just amazed at how many coincidences you and I have. So funny to be tapping into the same energy and finding concrete examples of this.

    Take care of yourself, Karin. You are sorely missed when you are not blogging.

  12. this plant is such a symbol of your rising up and your will to find your way through this maze of pain and discouragement, yet balanced with hope and renewal and an authentic walk - thanks for sharing the beautiful photographs and your brave struggle to find abundant life in your living

  13. Beautiful photos.

    You're recent post to Renee's site was wonderful.

  14. Karin, your words as usually help me out once again.

    K = Karin
    A = And
    R = Renee
    I = Infinate
    N = Nirvana

    Okay, admit it I'm not as good as you.

    Love Renee xoxo

  15. Thank you so much Liara, and I'm trusting that even though my email isn't getting through, you know I tried to answer :)

    I know - isn't it wild Sonia?! I laugh at all the links, again and again, but worms?!?! Too funny! Thank you for your continued care...

    Hi Peggy, yes, it is true - I see that pepper plant as an enduring symbol of life and the unexpected in it. thank you

    Thanks Snowbrush - she inspired it ;)

    Hey Renee, I like it :) xoxo

  16. love love love love this post, every observation and challenge it expresses.


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