the introvert

I know I've been neglectful of my blog lately, and it's taken me all these weeks to finally truly understand myself (duh!) and why it's been so difficult to come here - why the thought of writing or expressing myself just brings on waves of exhaustion and sadness.

Day in and day out I have a house full of contractors, plumbers, floor layers, the electrician - all or a combo of the above, coming in and out.  Tarps covering the kitchen floor, the stairs, the hallway (which have felled me twice); saws buzzing, hammers pounding, saw dust and plaster dust through out, for well over 6 months now.

I do best alone.  I need time alone, so that I can be fully present and myself when I am with others.  It's something I know about myself; it's one of the main reasons I knew I could never be a mother and chose not to have children.  I could not be a 24/7 presence in another's life.  So after living in a hotel (full of people) for 8 weeks, and being around people daily during radiation treatments for 6½ weeks, I came home to this daily full on assault to my senses - the noise, the smells, the need to engage and communicate, to smile, be patient and communicate through a process that sometimes feels down right tortuous to me.  All of which I know most people would be feeling excited about, and at least grateful - after all it's going to all end as a studio for me!

The problem is, my energy is so depleted, excitement is the last thing I'm feeling.  I know it'll come, eventually, when I'm in the process of using the space, and I have some time to refuel.  Right now, I still find I need to sleep several hours a day - I simply shut down.  I do things like fall asleep on the phone when my husband calls to check in at lunch time - I simply can't control the depth of this fatigue.

Happily, last week was spring break for several workers and they took family vacations, plus we had to wait for some supplies to come in for finishing the floor, so I got nearly the whole week off to myself.  The first couple of days I still slept - a lot, but then images began to return, and a desire to paint, to stay awake all day long!  It was lucky, because I had signed up for a workshop which I was able to attend this past weekend, down at the Center for Book Arts, in NYC.  I will share more on that in the next day or two.

Now, however, it's back to the new normal - workers have returned, and I am practicing patience with a better understanding of myself, acceptance that this is just how I roll, and until the construction zone returns to home zone, I will have less presence here, because I  run out of socializing energy by the time the house is empty again!

We are getting there, slowly, but surely.  The floor is down, tile up, painters will be coming soon, then the built ins and finishing elements and we'll be done.  Should be fast, right?!  yeah...  So far it's been a 3 season project, started in the middle of the summer.  yeah, I'm ready to be done!

If you'd like to test yourself to see where you are on the scale of introvert vs extrovert, you can take a free test here!