if you're anything like me, you have been met with challenges throughout your life that have made you question your own worth. like me, you've probably been through a multitude (100's?!) of therapeutic modalities to heal from traumas, abuses, injuries, and illnesses. you've learned a lot and healed a lot, and you know that your life has meaning. you have even experienced self love, and you believe in your own value. still, self sabotaging habits find a way of popping back up, or those niggling voices that arise challenge your ability to fully succeed, setting off a tidal wave of worthlessness.
how do these worthless spores get re-planted if we've done so much healing? no matter how far we go to dig them out, and pull and rip at them, why do they re-sprout? just how deeply do their roots run? how do they survive, unwatered, kept in the darkest corners, in the depth and cover of shadows? can we remove them from cellular memory and create new neural pathways when our earliest, preverbal lesson was "you are worthless"?
i believe thoughts and feelings of worthlessness are a matter of life and death.
worthlessness = death
the topic of self worth has been coming up a lot for me, in conversations with friends, on blogs and in other readings, and it's really gotten me thinking. when i'm experiencing ongoing pain i tend to feel pretty worthless, and as we've been undergoing this massive construction project, primarily for my benefit, rather than feeling excited and inspired, i have begun to feel guilty and unworthy - worried that i won't be able to use it to it's full potential, that it's all a waste, because pain has been steadily increasing, while i have been doing less and less. my hands have developed additional conditions, even though i haven't been using them, and more surgeries are being recommended. while my rational brain knows better, the parts of me still unhealed, blunder on, buying into self doubt.
i know where the roots of my damaged self worth began. they started early, and were delivered powerfully, laid out during the first few months of life. i remember clearly the bars of the crib surrounding me, the early morning light shining through the window. i can see the nail bitten hands gripping the pillow as it was lowered and pushed into my face, and held... here my vision goes black and ends. (this memory, experienced as repeated flash backs, was bravely verified, for which i am grateful.) i have numerous memories of the abuses inflicted upon me by my mother, a then violent and depressed alcoholic, of many years. and though she's recovered, and we've done a great deal of healing in our relationship and i love her, the early lesson i received was "you should be dead", and it was delivered by the person who brought me into the world, with life. a pretty conflicting message to untangle.
and even though my thoughtful mind is aware of all this, and i know i am safe and well loved and happy to be alive, my body hasn't gotten the message. i've got an auto immune disease, which is basically the body responding as though there is a threat, so it sends out the army to attack and protect - but all it ends up attacking is itself. then i get cancer, because maybe "you should be dead", and my body thinks i'm not really supposed to be alive after all. that's what i've been thinking.
|i am healing|
perhaps a lot of bodies out there are doing this to themselves, with or without the help of the minds that live with them. i wonder. this article from USA Today made me believe i'm on to something: Childhood Trauma Stays With You, it can hurt health and shorten life. There is also evidence that we can go back even further, to the time spent in the womb. According to Time Magazine this week, in The Womb. Your Mother. Yourself., the influences of the mother's well being during pregnancy help form a child's future health, their brain wiring, and human qualities.
over the past few months, i have been through a great deal. there is no point to facing and living through life and death situations if we don't use them to deepen our understanding of ourselves, our place on this planet, and our connection to others, is there? as I heal myself, my mother heals, and as you do your healing we come together, and the universal mother heals. together we all learn how to share real nurturing with one another, to receive and give more fully.
my intent in sharing is to use my story for healing by bringing darkness into light, with hopes that others might feel inspired to look more deeply into their own stories, bringing them into light. together we will deepen our belief in Self, shed the remaining strands of self doubt, hatred, and worthlessness so that we may embrace and step fully into our gloriousness! no longer will I hide behind my earliest toddler declarations of "no see me!!"
journal pages ⓒ2010
here I am .