I haven't worked in my journal since my last blog entry, but this evening I felt like doing some doodling and this emerged.
I've entered the new year feeling pulled in a few different directions.
On new years eve my oncologist called to let me know the results of a few tests, none of which were what we had hoped for. The bottom line, I will have to go on chemo after all. Tomorrow I will have a PET scan to see if there is still cancer lurking somewhere in my body, since my tumor markers, though low, have gone up. Monday I'll find out the results and the details of my treatment plan. Funny, not in the ha ha way, how things can seem one way and turn around bit by bit...
with doctor appointments
I've been invited to participate in a couple upcoming shows, which is nice - good for giving my mind more pleasant things to focus on, for which I'm grateful.
Gratitude is something I've been thinking about itself.
It was a topic of discussion with a friend the other day, which got me thinking about how I believe in gratitude for gratitude's own sake. I've often had people tell me, when hearing a piece of news, something like "your situation could be worse - at least you have good health insurance, not like some people."; or "you can be grateful because you have a comfortable home to recover in..." etc. I realized I've even done this to myself, comparing my situation to someone else's, as a gauge for gratitude! But isn't to think I have more than another the same as judging them as having less than? I do not want to see "lack" or "less than" in others - I want to recognize them as whole and well in every moment, the same way I want to see myself. Comparing my circumstances with other's is another way of judging, and makes assumptions that either all is not as it should be for them, or that how I live is in someway better. I believe I am qualified to do either.
This is not to say everything is so perfect in this moment that change is never needed! For instance, I want to banish cancer from my body - and I will do what I need to do to achieve that, as best I can - however, in this moment I feel at peace with all that is.