Monday, December 13

ascension


 Greetings all!
  It has been nearly a full month since my last post and I am beginning to feel myself ease back into my life, and rise to the activities that bring me fulfillment.


  To get to this place I had to make a big decision for myself.  I decided to stop the treatment laid out for me by my oncologist - no more drugs.  I did my best, and tried to follow the protocol set before me, set before virtually all patients with my diagnosis and tumor type - but my body has, in no uncertain terms, fully rejected them.  I have never spent more time sick, vomiting, depleted - chemo was not as bad for me.  Nearly daily migraines and a debilitating fatigue that left me sleeping close to 18 hours a day for several days on.  This was no way to live, nor does it feel like "beating cancer".  Daily I would be living with the belief that I might have cancer again; believing that there was something real lurking out there, lying in wait, telling me I had to poison myself to prevent it from setting up residence.  That would be the only reason for continuing - if I assumed I would likely be ill with cancer again, and I do not wish to live my life that way - under the thumb of fear and 'but, what if'...  So I have decided


enough is enough.

  That night I woke around three a.m., and for the first time through out the past year of discovery and recovery from breast cancer, I felt a panic take hold and a feeling that I was very close to death.


  I took several deep breaths to ease my pounding heart down to a more normal pace and pulse, and I reminded myself of the reasons I had made this decision.  Of the hours of laying in bed simply sensing the passage of morning light, to afternoon, to evening, and back to darkness... the hours of sameness, alone and unmoving turning into days.  I brought my attention into my hands, swollen and useless with pain caused by the side effects of Arimidex, and thought "how can you ever be an artist again on these meds?"  I reminded myself that I had vomited up four of six days dinners following the last Lupron injection I had received (used to force my body into menopause), and that nothing tasted like itself anymore, that food and meal times had become stressful and unpleasant.  That I had to sacrifice the feeling of being nourished, body and soul, to ingest *medicine* that made me unwell, left me no quality of life, and lasting destructive side effects (like heart disease, diabetes, bone loss...) all so that I could live in the fear of maybe.  Where is the reward in that? This seems like living an invitation to cancer to me. 

My heart had slowed by now.
I felt relieved and at peace with my decision,
and I fell back to sleep.


  Prior to my decision I had done a lot of searching for alternatives to following the protocol laid out for me.  I had looked for articles supporting my decision and I didn't find anything.  I found a lot of other women in chat rooms, miserable, depressed, and hopeless, but no clear alternatives.  No healing plan for me to focus on and follow.  The morning after those panicked thoughts of death visited me in the middle of the night I found myself on Amazon, where I quickly happened upon a dvd titled Healing Cancer From The Inside Out and a book titled The Gerson Therapy and suddenly a healing direction was presented to me, and excitement filled me, as it does when you know

this is it,

this is for me.




  All this has taken place during the last couple of weeks.  I painted this journal entry last Wednesday evening, in response to my decision process.  The following day, before I had a chance to post it, I came down with a powerful stomach flu - as though my body needed one final mighty good purging, and oh boy what a purging it was!  With fevers of 102℉ soaking me in sweats, and an inability to even keep water down for a couple days, I moaned and groaned and really felt close to death!  I am now thoroughly cleansed, cleared and taxiing for take off 〜 〜 〜 〜 〜 〜 



  I thank you all, so very much, for sticking with me patiently as I've been doing my personal healing thing, for stopping by and leaving me your kind and caring thoughts and prayers, for being in my life.  You are my keystones.


  I sense I'll still be a bit slow around here for a little longer, as I regain my strength and find my new balance while learning and incorporating some immune boosting practices - but I hope to get a few more posts in before the New Year.  I will give you an update soon, on the seemingly never ending construction zone above my head!!  I believe I said there would be wall board going up the last time I wrote - well it was only just delivered today, so in "construction time" I think I've only been gone about a day!


  Wishing you all well, and sending out a big embrace with a lot of grateful love, Karin

46 comments:

  1. Hi Karin! I've been thinking of you and I was so glad to see your comment the other day on one of my posts. Although of course, I don't want you to rush your recuperation just so we can read new posts from you, I'm glad you've given us this update. :)

    You know, each and every one of us and our bodies are so unique and the wisdom of listening to your response to what's going on can not be over-estimated. It's so important.

    I believe you'll find what you need, and it will be a great relief to think that you're not suffering so badly from all that medication.

    Your piece of art reflecting all of your recent turmoil and new decision is perfect, just perfect!

    Please keep taking care of you xo

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  2. Karin, your painting is just amazing---it is beautiful; it says everything you put into words.
    My mother had Breast Cancer, and I have often wondered what I would do if I received the same Dx, as I am allergic to almost everything.
    Sometimes, the bravest decision is not suffering through what others tell you to do, it's looking inside and knowing you're going to do what is right for you. YOU. Not the masses. For your life quality NOW.
    May you be blessed abundantly with art time and the hands to do it.

    XXOO~~♥
    Anne

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  3. I am sorry things have been so absolutely atrocious.

    I am delighted you were able to create once again. Your art work speaks to the ascension of your love-filled spirit. The effort and the release. The balance and more balance. Sending hugs- teri

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  4. there is no way I can tell you how relieved I am that you have taken charge!thank heaven you thought long and hard and made a decision thats good for you! enjoy recovering and when you feel like it yell for us all to listen! hooray for you! xxoo lyle

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  5. Beautiful One,
    I am glad that your path has lead you to a place to be at peace with your life and the living you have to do here. It sounds as though the messages from the universe washed through you in unbelievably strong ways. You are truly amazing to have fought your way through it. I hope the the purging and renewal will lead to brighter and bright light for you.
    Sending big love to you, My friend.

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  6. Yesssssss! I am SO relieved to hear you have chosen to stop the toxic waste dump and proceed with Gerson Therapy instead. Happy happy happy day!

    This is it. Go for it!

    Showering you in Love and Light.
    xo!

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  7. Sweet Karin, I know the decision must have been so difficult and heart-wrenching, but it seems you have listened to the powerful voice of your own spirit. Living the way you were living sounds more like torture than life. I do understand, a bit, about the quality of life issue. I decided to do hormone therapy (said to cause breast cancer) because once I started menopause, I couldn't function.
    I think you have been reborn. Welcome back to life.

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  8. LOVE YOU my courageous friend. Your journal entry is perfect...surrender, faith, renewal and angelic presence...

    may your days and nights be balanced with love in moments of fear, joy in moments of dread, and peace knowing you are LIVING as fully as possible moment to moment. None of us can ask or expect more than that.
    xo

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  9. Karin, I support your decision to trust in your inner wisdom. Take your time to heal gently and fully. I know that there are a multitude of loving souls who along with me are holding you in the light. We will all wait patiently for your next post. Love, hugs, and great appreciation for your sharing of your art and your life experiences.

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  10. karin, I read this post and my heart just hurt reading what you have been enduring. I cannot even imagine...I am so happy though that you were able to come to a decision that is empowering to you-physically, spiritually and emotionally.
    wishing you much health and healing, my friend
    xoxoxox

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  11. Hey K
    Strength is a very gentle thing...and you are ever so strong and courageous.
    xoxo

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  12. dear friend, what i have to say i cannot say in full tonight but i will say that you are beautiful, brave and right on baby! i cannot help but be totally happy for you.

    more later, thanks for the gift of your art and your action tonight. sleep tight.

    love
    kj

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  13. You seem so settled and positive with your decision. Happy for you. And always in awe that your pages so perfectly reflect the moments of your life.

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  14. very happy to read you again with so much positive thinkings! i really like your art! this green body is so expressive
    yes!!!!!! power for you

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  15. Hi Karin. It's so good to hear from you. We sure do miss reading your posts. Your paintings say a thousand words about how strong a person you are. I'm glad that you are trusting in your choices to regain your strength. I have been thinking of you and will say a prayer especially for you tonight. Take care and continue on the healing path.

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  16. I missed you sweet lady and you have never been far from my heart. This peace is so expressive and strong! Merry Christmas and happy Holidays...I have really missed your gentle words. Imagine and Live in Peace, Mary Helen Fernandez Stewart

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  17. SO in love with you Karin- you are my hero and IT girl! LOVE Love LOVE.

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  18. Oh and you art, as usual grabs me and tosses me around- in a good way...but highly emo I do become- in a good way...Love you girl, I do!

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  19. What a beautiful and moving piece of art. Thank you so much for sharing it and your struggles. I hope you feel completely better soon.

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  20. My dearest dearest Karin. I just want to say I love you.

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  21. A big hug from me Karin

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  22. You are so strong! Sending you happy, caring wishes and all the support possible... all my best!

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  23. Oh Karin.

    I'm glad you're making choices you feel strong and good about. Sending you healing love. Drop me a line when you're feeling ready for company ok?

    (Also you know if you ever need a late night delivery of something like delicious snack foods you just need to ask right?)

    :D

    -moo

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  24. i think i would choose the same, no more drugs.

    happy dance onward day by day!

    read a comment on a friend's facebook, When you are a cancer survivor all you want for Christmas is health. She beat the bugger!

    Good health to you, too!

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  25. Lots of hugs from Belgium, Karin. I absolutely love the drawing/painting and wish you loads and loads of healthy new cells to make you feel strong and well again!!!You are a very brave person.

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  26. Praying for you, rooting for you, admiring you and holding hands with you. In following your story I find myself agreeing with all your decisions; it sounds good, right and healthy to follow your instinct in this. One thing is sure; your art is a gift to all of us; so clear and full of heart. Much love to you. xo

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  27. Taking control of your path, the way you travel, your journey, seems to have healed your spirit.

    We do have the right to choose.

    I do wish you healing from the inside out!

    So good to "see" you again, and your art.

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  28. Your spirit is a beacon of inspiration reaching across the oceans. Your art is stunning. xxxxx

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  29. I am glad to see you are back posting!
    I did not have cancer as bad as you but when I am told I am 90% cured of cancer and that Tamoxifen will increase my chances to (only) 95% there was no way I was going to put myself thru the side effects.
    Take care.

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  30. There is something very positive about taking over your healing. I can't say I know anything about this new path you've chosen except that you have to trust what your spirit says to you because deep down we have the all the answers. I do know of a few personal friends who took their final healing into their own hands and they fully recovered which is what awaits you, Karin...Full recovery! xox

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  31. hi karin, i am so happy to hear about your decision to stop filling your body with 'medication' that potentially makes you so much sick.. listen to your inner guidance and you will know what to do and when. we are all spiritual beings having a human experience right? what a journey you are on..

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  32. Hi Karin :)
    nice to see you again and happy for you and your decisions

    What a stunning image !!! I love it !! the ladder with the wings, the dark sky becomes blue and the figure. WOW.

    I'm also in an after construction period too. ( a surgery). I only can walk with the help of a walker and I need help to do daily things but each day, my body and my leg become stronger. step by step I say to myself, step by step i say to you too.

    sending healing thoughts to you and warm hugs.

    M.

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  33. if anyone can hear what her body is saying it is YOU! So glad to see a post, I miss you and think of you often, I think your loan of art & fear has changed my life :)!! Be well Karin, best & blessings always

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  34. I'm glad you feel such certainty about this path - what a relief. I've spent so many moments cringing at the thought of what all you have experienced. Sending you healing hugs and hopeful prayers!
    xo

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  35. karin,
    I have clicked over here so many times and yet don't feel like I "know" you enough to say or ask.

    But this post, your art, your heart.

    wow.

    sending you strength and courage and love.

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  36. It's good to hear the hope and life in your voice again, I have missed that.

    continue to improve and keep positive

    xxxxxooooo

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  37. Karin,

    There is so much courage in your decision, so much of hope and life and opening to even more aliveness. I am in awe of your ability to make art at the most difficult of times, but perhaps that is exactly what allows you to make such courageous choices.

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  38. Good for you! I'm glad to see you back and ready to pick up your LIFE in a way that you feel good about. I'm not an expert (have you ever heard Laurie Anderson's "Only an Expert"? It's on YouTube), but I deeply believe that art and a therapy like Gerson's is deeply healing. regular medicine can cure the worst, but as far as I'm concerned, that's where the poisoning should end and where you should BUILD UP your health again and get your cells to heal and be well. I knew a woman who had cancer and who was told she'd die within 3 months at the most. She went to fulfill the dream of seeing Egypt with a friend and met a man there who had survived cancer on the Moerman diet. She started the diet and healed completely! The experts couldn't believe what they saw and sent her for second, third and don't know how many opinions, but Yvette lived cancer free and grew to be a very old woman. A mystery to the drug-oriented doctors!!! Good luck with the therapy and I really look forward to seeing more of you again! Much love from the Netherlands!!!

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  39. Hi Karin. Just stopped by to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

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  40. Congratulations at stopping your traditional treatments and going over to life giving natural beneficial treatments instead!!! I too have known a woman who did the same and beat the odds. Cancer is not an illness but an imbalance, get the body back and it has a good chance to heal. Follow your heart!!! I wish you health, happiness and new beginnings in 2011!!!!!

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  41. just stopped back to wish you warmth in this blizzard and a much happier New Year than last! It has finally stopped snowing here. just blowing! I'm guessing you still have a few more hours of blow and snow left! lyle

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  42. Karin...Good for you for taking control of your body and what you put into it and on it. Sending love, light and healing energy your way!
    Mary

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  43. You are the master of your destiny, the captain of your ship.

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  44. May you continue to ascend...to heal...to grow...to choose peace as your pathway.

    Happy New Year Dear ONE...I am so grateful for your friendship...you inspire me daily...whether you realize it or not:)

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  45. I read your blog from time to time and really like your art. Although I haven't really commented in the past. Just wanted to offer my support and hope you feel better. There's a blog I have been reading and trying to put into practice just for better health. It's about an alkaline diet and some posts related to cancer may interest you. http://dreddyclinic-alkaline.blogspot.com/

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