Greetings all!It has been nearly a full month since my last post and I am beginning to feel myself ease back into my life, and rise to the activities that bring me fulfillment.
To get to this place I had to make a big decision for myself. I decided to stop the treatment laid out for me by my oncologist - no more drugs. I did my best, and tried to follow the protocol set before me, set before virtually all patients with my diagnosis and tumor type - but my body has, in no uncertain terms, fully rejected them. I have never spent more time sick, vomiting, depleted - chemo was not as bad for me. Nearly daily migraines and a debilitating fatigue that left me sleeping close to 18 hours a day for several days on. This was no way to live, nor does it feel like "beating cancer". Daily I would be living with the belief that I might have cancer again; believing that there was something real lurking out there, lying in wait, telling me I had to poison myself to prevent it from setting up residence. That would be the only reason for continuing - if I assumed I would likely be ill with cancer again, and I do not wish to live my life that way - under the thumb of fear and 'but, what if'... So I have decided
enough is enough.
That night I woke around three a.m., and for the first time through out the past year of discovery and recovery from breast cancer, I felt a panic take hold and a feeling that I was very close to death.
I took several deep breaths to ease my pounding heart down to a more normal pace and pulse, and I reminded myself of the reasons I had made this decision. Of the hours of laying in bed simply sensing the passage of morning light, to afternoon, to evening, and back to darkness... the hours of sameness, alone and unmoving turning into days. I brought my attention into my hands, swollen and useless with pain caused by the side effects of Arimidex, and thought "how can you ever be an artist again on these meds?" I reminded myself that I had vomited up four of six days dinners following the last Lupron injection I had received (used to force my body into menopause), and that nothing tasted like itself anymore, that food and meal times had become stressful and unpleasant. That I had to sacrifice the feeling of being nourished, body and soul, to ingest *medicine* that made me unwell, left me no quality of life, and lasting destructive side effects (like heart disease, diabetes, bone loss...) all so that I could live in the fear of maybe. Where is the reward in that? This seems like living an invitation to cancer to me.
My heart had slowed by now.
I felt relieved and at peace with my decision,
and I fell back to sleep.
Prior to my decision I had done a lot of searching for alternatives to following the protocol laid out for me. I had looked for articles supporting my decision and I didn't find anything. I found a lot of other women in chat rooms, miserable, depressed, and hopeless, but no clear alternatives. No healing plan for me to focus on and follow. The morning after those panicked thoughts of death visited me in the middle of the night I found myself on Amazon, where I quickly happened upon a dvd titled Healing Cancer From The Inside Out and a book titled The Gerson Therapy and suddenly a healing direction was presented to me, and excitement filled me, as it does when you know
this is it,
this is for me.
All this has taken place during the last couple of weeks. I painted this journal entry last Wednesday evening, in response to my decision process. The following day, before I had a chance to post it, I came down with a powerful stomach flu - as though my body needed one final mighty good purging, and oh boy what a purging it was! With fevers of 102℉ soaking me in sweats, and an inability to even keep water down for a couple days, I moaned and groaned and really felt close to death! I am now thoroughly cleansed, cleared and taxiing for take off 〜 〜 〜 〜 〜 〜 ☀
I thank you all, so very much, for sticking with me patiently as I've been doing my personal healing thing, for stopping by and leaving me your kind and caring thoughts and prayers, for being in my life. You are my keystones.
I sense I'll still be a bit slow around here for a little longer, as I regain my strength and find my new balance while learning and incorporating some immune boosting practices - but I hope to get a few more posts in before the New Year. I will give you an update soon, on the seemingly never ending construction zone above my head!! I believe I said there would be wall board going up the last time I wrote - well it was only just delivered today, so in "construction time" I think I've only been gone about a day!
Wishing you all well, and sending out a big embrace with a lot of grateful love, Karin