from the other hand

it's been a long time, but i thought i'd pop in for a little visit to say hi and let you all know i miss you!  i also wanted to extend some big thank yous to all for the messages of healing, and spirit lifting!!

lyle and toni made and sent me this fabulous hand garland which they signed, and suggested I have all my care taking medical team on this journey sign, to leave me with words of hope as i go on my way.  how cool an idea is that?!

click photos for a closer view

and note the fabulous envelope it came in - also artfully decorated to the hilt!!

also pictured is a pretty bracelet of pearls and charms, generously strung and mailed to me by a new found friend, Mary Luna, after the 30 days, 30 journals interview i did.  she writes of the bracelet that:

"These pearls of promise are promises that 'you are encircled with the love of many friends and family and spirit beings who are cheering you on... A promise of continuing courage and strength and the ability to live in the moment...A promise of 'this, too, shall pass away...'  A promise of 'soon, you will regain your strength and unite with your love of creating and blessing the world with your uniqueness...' "

and the angel filled accordion book in the upper right hand corner travelled farthest, from my pal across the pond, Whitney Anne.

O, that I were an Angel

and could have the wish of my heart

Why should I desire more 

than to perform the work

to which I have been called.

and my new pal Amy, who works right here at the hotel, knew i've been making fruit smoothies in my room, so she and her husband surprised me with a fruit bouquet!!  Generosity and caring abounds, for which i am blessed.

i have been touched and inspired by each and every one of you, with all your messages - silent and spoken, thought and sent, i thank you.

and i am healing well.

i had my cast removed yesterday, so fingers are free to do this typing, though my thumb is still tender, thus the lack of capitalizing.  i just need to take it easy for a couple weeks, do my exercises and soon i will be good as new.  i'm still a bit swollen and black and blue, but it sure feels good to be able to scratch where it itches :)

journal pages
ⓒ2010

these journal pages were done over a few days time, with my left hand.

asemic calligraphy lends itself well to ambidextrous writing and is really good exercise for the old brain, too!

journal page-detail
ⓒ2010

i only have one week remaining of radiation treatment.  i am so very glad that soon it will be over.  both mind and body feel as though we are slogging through a murky marshland much of the time.  occasionally rising and alert, happy for those periods of lucidity!  weekends have again become appreciated as much as when i was a child, longing to hear the sound of the bell on friday afternoons...

these hands...

have a whole lot left to say, to create, to explore, to nurture

click on images for closer view

but for a while, they are going to need some time to heal.

On Thursday I will be having surgery, on my right hand, my dominant hand, for a condition called De Quervain's tenosynovitis.  It's a quick, out patient procedure, and one that should provide me with a great deal of relief.  It seems like a preferable time to take care of it - before I go back on the tamoxifen and it's hand swelling side effects, and while I'm in a hotel with little responsibility.

I admit though, what these hands want to say is STOP already!!   

I'm just about 1/2 way through my radiation (!) and am beginning to see the effects of the daily healing assault, with reddening rashes forming across the right side of my chest and abdomen.  I crave sleep at inopportune moments as the fatigue grows, giving in to it when I can.  Which could be now, as I sit here staring at the screen, lost while typing these last few words over the span of nearly an hour...!  

 I will return when I am able,

 and until then I send you smiles

from my grateful heart ❤ Karin 

connecting

One of the hardest, but most fulfilling aspect of this... I'm not even sure what to call it... simply 'this time in my life', is the time spent in the waiting room.  It's usually a reasonably short wait, but a lot is felt, heard, and shared during that time.

There is often a great weight within the wait.  Fear is palpable from some.

journal pages
ⓒ2010
the waiting room
8-4-10

I feel my heart open and ache for the little boy within the 70+ year old man, who has never been sick before, now suddenly has tumors living in his body - 30% smaller than they were before treatment, but still there, inoperably there.

Today, a fellow breast cancer patient, who I see nearly every day, was sitting alone, looking shaken.  Her daughter is usually with her, her driver each day.  On their way today a young deer jumped, in a flash, in front of their car.  Thankfully neither she nor her daughter were hurt, but the deer was killed, the car badly damaged, this woman visibly depleted.  As she finished her story, I was called into the back for my turn on the table, so I had to leave her there, alone, as her daughter had returned to the deer and called 911.

journal pages
ⓒ2010
the remedy
8-5-10

When I came out, I looked for her, but she was gone, so I sat down on a bench to wait and see if she'd come out and want company until her daughter returned.  As I sat (playing on my new b-day present, an iPad, and yes, I love it!) I was approached by a new face, open, friendly and smiling, enquiring about the head coverings I wear. (They are "buffs", from Planet Buff - I wear 2, layered, mix and match - a great solution for chemo or alopecia patients!).  We chatted for a while, sharing a bit of our stories and discovered we both are living in New Rochelle (well, she's in the process of moving there from a neighboring town) and we plan to start walking together.  The buddy system of motivation!

I never did see the other woman come out - I missed her some how, but I am glad that I followed the urge to sit and wait.

journal page-detail
ⓒ2010
click on images for closer look

A very fine day.

 I felt clarity through my fatigue.

Connected awareness to others, to my intuition, to the day itself.

For this I am oh so grateful. 

How was your day?

 ❤

new journal...

new(ish) journey.

I started working on this over a week ago, but with my hands hurting, it's been slow going.  I've got enough down to begin to share though, so here you go!

It's a new altered book.  The title "The Bridge of Merciful Clouds" felt like a fitting message as I stepped into the process of radiation.  It's a Chinese/English book about Buddhism.  I'm not sure how much, if any, of the text will show through along the way, but I like reading and seeing it there in the foundation.

onward...

journal pages
ⓒ2010

 Opening page, journal intro and intent

click on images for closer view

journal pages
ⓒ2010

Assume the position...

It's been a long week.

I've got no art for you yet - nadda.  I'm going to keep trying, pulling out the materials, but the pain I've been having in my hands has nearly immobilized my thumbs, and they just plain hurt.  The computer isn't much easier...

I'm beginning to understand, more fully, the impact of a breast cancer diagnosis - long term.  Sensing that "normal" is a thing of the past.  The daily reminders of meds and tiny black tattoos redefine "normalcy".

Because I was not menopausal when this all happened, I will now have to take Tamoxifen for the next several years.  This stops my body from absorbing the estrogen that the kind of tumor I had feeds on.  Tests show that I have a higher chance of recurrence than the average, and it's important that my body isn't a tumor friendly environment.  As my oncologist has put it, the Tamoxifen is as important, if not more important than the chemo was.  So I started it.

Here's a partial list of side effects:

• hot flashes (check)
• night sweats (check)
• insomnia (check)
• skin & nail dryness/cracking (check)
• tiredness (double check!)
• body aches (check)
• bone, joint pain (check)
• swelling in hands and feet (check)
• depression, mood swings (uh-huh)
• head aches (yup)
• thinning hair (hahahaha)
• weight gain (woo hooo, so far, nope)

More serious side effects include an increased incidence of liver cancer, uterine cancer, blood clots, and the scary list goes on, so let's not go there!

Then there is the one you don't really see listed much, because it isn't as common, but ever since I've been taking it I've had stomach aches, and by midday last Sunday, the pain was pretty bad, and by Monday I couldn't stand up straight...  and after a visit to the hospital triage nurse after radiation, I was taken off the Tamoxifen, for the time being. I'm enjoying the time off, as many of the side effects have already diminished.  I'll have to see a gastroenterologist this coming week, and hope for some help with gut protection - but this gut doesn't want any of it, I gotta tell you.  My gut is tired of processing any, and all of this. 

I wanna lie on the floor kicking my feet in the middle of the doctors office and throw a tantrum.  My coping skills seem to have diminished to the level of a two year old.  Thankfully, like a two year old, once the outburst has passed, so has the feeling of frustration and I'm ready to move on. To the next frustration!!

After making this analogy, the good ol' universe delivered a family as neighbors to my paper thin hotel walls.  A two (or so) year old.  I've gotten to hear for myself the ups and downs, from delight to despair in the blink of an eye.  I still haven't seen this child, only have heard her/him?!  But I've fallen completely in love with the hysterically giggling being over there!  And the munchkin voice.  I am grateful for my night time sound machine though :)

Another treat from the week came last night, after dinner.  My husband and I took a stroll around the town of Tarrytown after dinner, and came upon this sweet offering.  A wishing tree, with supplied tags and pen for filling out and hanging your wish.  I left mine, and know it's coming true as I write. 

My goal for the week ahead is to choose differently.  To choose not to stress over stuff out of my hands; stuff I can leave in other's hands; stuff that really just doesn't matter in the scheme of things, but I've been elevating to high priority.   

It's a beautiful Sunday, and I'm going to go spend some time in the garden.  How about you?