Warning:
I'm angry.
I woke up this morning, with a feeling of longing. Longing to move, to stretch, to feel strong, to move, to do art, to breathe deeply the moist earthy scents of spring unfolding. I felt that excitement and energy that longing can bring about... but within very short time I began to feel frustrated and quite frankly now I'm pissed.
I am really angry, because the twenty or so minutes that I spent on the computer yesterday loading my video, sitting in my ergonomically designed supportive chair which felt perfectly comfy at the time, has set me back to where I was at least a month and a half ago, in the pain department. Numbness into my foot, spasms in my calf, shooting pains from the surgical sight radiating into my hip and on down to my toes. I'm angry because I am only a week away from it having been six months since my third surgery for this injury, and I'm still not able to sit in a car, or in a dining chair. I'm angry because structurally, I am fine - my back is healed and there is nothing anyone can do to make this pain stop, because it isn't about my back injury any more and the outcome predicted is not the outcome I've received. I'm angry because auto immune diseases are unpredictable (yeah, so what in life isn't?!?), and I'm tired. I'm tired because I'm only getting an average of four hours of sleep each night so I'm never truly rested. I'm angry because I don't really like being angry! arghghghghg!!! So I decided I'd vent a bit and get it out so I can move on.
Now I'm going to go try to make something in my journal that brings me peace. Thanks for letting me vent ❤
Now I'm going to go try to make something in my journal that brings me peace. Thanks for letting me vent ❤
*This is an older piece, titled Home Bound Home, which seemed to express my emotional state well! The center figure and back ground (in it's house shape) is drawn with prismacolor pencils on masonite which I inlayed in a carved out piece of chip board, which I painted with acrylic paints. Then I nailed in the copper nails and wove copper wire over to create the 'cage' over the figure. Added decorations are the milagros at the top and in either bottom corner.
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Karin I just want to get this out of the way. The art is spectacular. The writing choises, the milagro, the wings, the cage, you the woman, the scream.
ReplyDeleteMy God when I brought it up close and saw the scream. I literally jumped back from the screen. That is pain. That is rage. That is more pain.
Oh Karin, I am so very sorry. What the fuck can they do to help you. It seems like you can barely do anything without getting paid back with debilitating pain. It is not right.
You are too beautiful and too talented and too special and too wise and too generous and too kind to have to suffer like this.
I am at my wits end about it. I just keep thinking what can we do.
Please take your time with everything Karin. Maybe you are doing too much. I know it doesn't seem like much but your poor body.
I LOVE YOU.
Love Renee xoxo
oh Renee, dang, I don't mean to distress you. I know it's hard to sit by for another's pain. Sometimes it's harder to bear another's than our own, isn't it? My sister wrote a beautiful post about being witness to my pain on her blog here Still Mover- I think it's worth a read for anyone who is trying to be in balance while loving someone in pain.
ReplyDeleteThere is a fine line to walk with the doing of too much/too little, as each can bring on pains and discomforts. I really don't *do* a lot though. If we had a video cam on me through most of the day you'd mostly find me curled in my chair reading or watching a movie, with breaks for stretches and back yard dog trips!
Anyway, thanks for bearing witness, and I love you, too, Karin
I am going over to your sisters in a second but I want to run downstairs and get a book I just finished that I loved.
ReplyDeleteHold on.
Okay, 10 minutes later, I got tea too.
'The History of Love' by Nicole Krauss. Tell me if you have read it. If not, get to the bookstore tomorrow or if your husband can and pick it up to read over Easter. I hope you love it. I did.
Like you, I'm sure I have read a million books, but this is one of the few that I felt like I could read all over again and I just finished it. That doesn't happen often.
Anyway I'm thinking maybe it can take you out of your head and pain for a while.
Love Renee xoxo
I see your sister has a beautiful spirit too Karin.
ReplyDeleteIt is a hard post.
I just looked at the top picture again and even the skin looks riddled with pain.
Could your husband just hit you over the head tonight so you could get some sleep?
Love Renee xoxo
Okay Renee, I just went to my library's web site and put a hold on The History of Love, so I'm sure it will be in by the time I finish the two books I have checked out right now :) I'll give you my book report soon!
ReplyDeleteGee, why didn't I ever think of that - a bonk on the head!?! xoxo zzzzzzzz
Ya ever right to be angry hun. Pain is never easy,I deal with RSD daily and can testify to the bad days being so frustrating. I think as woman we feel the need to be able to accomplish so much in our day.When we can't it's hard on us. I wish ya a Beautiful Pain Free Weekend. Enjoy ya Easter hun.
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs~
Venting is essential for us sometimes, I think. It lets the poisons out. Though anger is hard to take, it is such a justifiable emotion here, you are so very, very entitled to it ! The magnificence of You is that you know that letting it out in a venting session is the best thing to do in order to "let it go" (what is written on a rock resting on my laptop as we speak !).
ReplyDeleteI hate that you hurt, beautiful, strong, magnificent Karin. I am adding a little extra to my prayers today, wishing you pain-free moments of relief.
Sending love to sooth the savage pain beast !
So sorry to hear of yr pain and frustration. I know from personalexperience how that goes so I send loving thoughts. Vent, vent and vent again if you need to, we can hear it and bear it with you. There are tiny little spaces in between where things are still possible.
ReplyDeletethat renee -- a bonk on the head?!! how can she be so smart?!!
ReplyDeletelove, love, love to you...
i forgot... i just started a book called 'the presence process', by michael brown. have you heard of it? m. brown suffered with chronic 'uncurable' pain for years, which lead to this book/process. so far it's VERY good.
ReplyDeletexxoo
sorry to hear about your pain. I can relate to you, even if my pains are not that severe as yours. This post is something that concerned me too. The frustration , the anger, all those the feelings I don't dare to express. Reading your post I though "what a relief she must have felt after that". Happy for you for that venting session.
ReplyDeleteHope for more painless moments.
Take care
Hugs and kisses
I'm feeling so powerless and wish there was something I could do besides AAAarghing with you for moral support and sending healing thoughts. Hope you have some respite from the pain by now Karin. Love and hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteVent away....it's healthier than keeping it all inside. My thoughts go out to you, as cheesey as that sounds.
ReplyDeleteYou vent girl and then get on with your creating if you can. Sending you healing thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone!!! I truly appreciate the support everyone gives me, and the acceptance. I know I can be myself and that there is healing in that, and in the witnessing of that. So thank you for helping me heal.
ReplyDeletelove, Karin
Hey Karin,
ReplyDeleteWell, aren't we both in the wars right now? Maybe its a full moon thing? I woke up today feeling somewhat more spritely and energetic and geez, even more positive than I have in a while...
I've known of other artists - dancers, metalworkers, etc - who are also limited through the pain in their bodies. It really blows.
Any time I've injured myself physically in some way, I've found it incredibly frustrating. And that's only a temporary situation.
So, you are strong. Stronger than you know. Just to be able to live and create and do what you do. Despite everything.
Can you really do no yoga at all? Not even the extremely gentle, seated Pawanmuktasana series? I find that sort of yoga to be very helpful and you can do it without breaking a sweat or even standing up.
In support and with love,
Svasti
Hi Svasti, I'm glad to hear of your shift! me, too!! I'll have to watch the moon phases and see if there's a correlation ;^) Actually, yes, I can do some yoga, and I do - even some standing and balancing poses, which have helped with my healing immensely. I think that may be why my surgeon didn't believe my pain was as bad as it was until he saw my MRI and all the lit up indications of inflammation in it, because I have built my strength prior to surgery and have continued to practice as much as I can an have such good balance! I miss the community thing - classes, and group energy, group meditation - that's what I really miss... well, and my strength and flexibility, but hey, I've got balance :) love to you, K
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say - the art is beautiful, the pain is not. I liked Renee's idea of your husband hitting you over the head - lol.
ReplyDeleteHope things get better for ya.