...November 5-6

It's been an especially long week,

and I've really been missing my journal, creating, and interacting with all of you,

but I've had to listen to my body and it's been loud and clear.

I don't feel able to visually depict the layers

of what I'm experiencing quite the way I want to,

but what I have done starts with the obvious,

words describing the glaring, the blaring;

moving on to color, movement, image;

then to where I used dimension but simplicity,

focus and direction.

That's what I was going for anyway,

but I'm not able to do it quite in the way I would,

if I could,

so this is what I ended up with earlier today.

One of the things I've been asking myself to think about,

through some of the reading I've been doing,

is what kinds of mixed messages do I give myself.

In general I am a pretty positive person, and I can always find a way to turn things around and find that 'silver lining'. On the other hand, I am guilty of delivering harsh blows to myself, with my own thoughts, especially when I get feeling overwhelmed, hurt, or tired. So I'm trying to be aware of when those thoughts happen, what triggers them, and how I can turn them around - because if my body is to heal, it needs full throttle self love, which I've discovered is the hardest thing I will probably ever learn to do.

Give my own self, unconditional love.

I know most of the reasons, and perhaps I'll share some of those some day, but dang if that isn't the most ridiculous thing that we humans struggle with - we can adore our children, our friends, our pets - heck, I do a better job loving a pepper plant some days!

I've never been all that comfortable with prayer, in any formal sense of the word. I am also working on that - finding a few words that I can hold close, repeat and truly believe the message of, that I can offer up. I believe that prayers, offerings, words of deliverance can heal, but not if they are scattered in with mixed messages that cause self sabotage, so here's to clear thoughts, and "seeking grace". If you have a special prayer, mantra, or healing poem that you say to yourself, and are willing to share it, I'd love for you to leave it for us all to read.

I wasn't planning on sharing this yet, but if I'm going to put full faith in the power of thought and prayer, I'm going to leave you by asking for your prayers. Not coincidently, it seems (considering all I've been thinking about of late, and how I put myself to the test through my body when I take on new challenges) after I finished these pages earlier today, I had to go for my annual breast exam. The mammogram came back looking good, but because of my history, I also had an ultrasound, which found a well defined lump. I'm thinking whew - what if I never had a lump before, I'd have gone merrily on my way, with a clean bill via the mammo, which it still may be, but I feel lucky I had the ultrasound... I will have a needle biopsy done next Thursday, and should have the results by a week from today. In the mean time I'm not worrying, because that's just not what I do. It seems like such a waste, since there's nothing I can do between now and when I get more information. Gathering up good energy I can do, so I'm ready to harvest :)

I will keep you posted, and thank you in advance for all I know you will send my way. Love, Karin