undividing attention

  

     It has been one of those weeks where it feels as though so much has been happening, mostly internally, that the feelings of change are too great to keep up with. It's exciting and sometimes makes me wish for more hours in the day.  Excitement and change can also be seductive.  The energy of them make me feel as though I can do more than I actually can, physically, so I'm riding along only realizing after it's too late that something like two appointments in one day - normal for many - is not something my body is up for.

     The past two days have slowed down and become cool and dark outside, creating the perfect environment for what I know I need to do - take it easy and nap!  My body feels that deep and heavy lethargy wash over it that comes out of no where with some auto immune diseases, and all you can do is give into it. Resistance, as in any part of life, creates more pain and separation from peace or contentedness - for me it is simply is not an option.

"Real meditation comes when the meditator dies." 

Breath by Breath, by Larry Rosenberg

     When I am able to attain this kind of surrender, it washes away all resistance and suddenly meditation isn't what I am doing, it is what I am.  In order for me to meditate, I must apply this to my experience with pain as well, and it can be amazing when practiced for those of us that suffer from chronic pain - emotional or physical.  Rather than resisting the sensations, I sit with them - meet the pain or the emotion completely, breathing, merging, and melting into it, fully present with the experience of what is.  

     To merge myself into wholeness, I have to fully enter the experience I am having. If it's pain, I must become completely aware of, and feel, the pain.  I must enter it, and allow the pain to enter me.   What eventually happens is transformative.  It isn't that pain or disease are necessarily eliminated, but the division and conflict within Self is gone.  The energy used to resist is freed and there is no more trying.

click on images for closer view

     I will let there be no difference between "good days" and "bad days", they are all simply days, each offering a different experience.  I am no longer "healing" or trying to be healed, I am healed in this day; tomorrow is another day and may have a different form of healing in it for me...

Now, I am off for that nap!

The above artwork are older pieces. The first two are from a series of personal daily art pieces I did in 2005.  The first is a pencil drawing; the second is oil pastel, covered with a layer of finely crushed chalk pastel which a rubbed into the surface, and then scratched through to create the drawn lines.  The bottom piece was done at a workshop with Alex Grey, during a guided meditation, and is colored pencil on black paper.

May 22

One of the things I've been doing this week is playing with Qigong, which way over simply put, is exercising the accumulation of energy. I don't have any formal training in it as a practice. My first exposure was years ago when I was taking classes in feng shui for fun - my teacher started each session with qigung exercises. That ended up being my favorite part of the classes! I do not have formal training in it, only untraditional and informal classes here and there, which were fun - like chi dancing, which was about playing with energy to get in touch with our body's energy in a fun way.

The way I've been working with it this week has been as a warm up to my meditation, prior to sitting. I start in a standing position and rub my hands together lightly a little, just to get the blood flowing, and hold them about six inches apart, and begin to notice the blood coursing through my hands. I notice my pulse, and I become aware of a pressure growing between my hands. Just bringing my attention to my hands now has them tingling!

Slowly, I move my hands in a pulsing movement back and forth towards each other - it's a very small movement - maybe a centimeter, and I feel the pressure of energy that's building up between my hands - as if there is a ball between them.  I play with how far apart my hands can be moved before that sensation weakens, and I begin to pulse back together - back and forth building the energy.  Almost immediately I notice there is an equal amount of pressure on the outside of my hands pushing in on the back of them...

                 

Kind of like looking at these sorts of opticial illusions - focusing on one face, then another - is there only one, or are there two faces?!  I  switch back and forth, feeling the pressure first on the inside, then the outside of my hands, noticing one as stronger one moment, then the other the next.

           

I'm really glad I remembered how much I enjoy this small exercise in presence, and have been giving myself the time and space to do it.  Are there similar things you know you enjoy, and benefit from greatly when you do them, but still they have some how slipped from your daily life?  Might they be worth bringing back and trying out again in a new way?

May 21

I've had a few days that feel like the unfolding of life times are happening all at once - the shedding of skins, peeling away layers, stripping away the unnecessary and getting down to the nitty gritty of the essential.  It hasn't been painless, but it has been rich.

click on images for closer view

transmutation |ˌtransmyoōˈtā sh ən; ˌtranz-|nounthe action of changing or the state of being changed into another form :• the supposed alchemical process of changing base metals into gold.

           

I release

with thanks...

The ties that bind...

I've spent a good part of this week exploring the phrases "my hands are tied", and "the ties that bind".  My hands have been hurting a lot recently - trying to grip a door knob, pick up a pice of paper, turn a page in a book.  All of these tasks can be difficult and need to be done with both hands at certain times of the day.  The joint between my thumbs and wrists in both hands have deteriorated, due to lupus, with bone on bone grinding - basically it's arthritis, which my hand doc says can only be resolved with joint replacement.  We have tried less invasive approaches, as well as other surgeries, with no success.  I've also tried acupuncture, physical therapy, massage, energy work... believe me - seeing a hand surgeon was my last choice after all else failed.

So, as is my way, I look at these hands that are bound by pain and some use limitations -these hands that create things of beauty, hands that surprise even me, and I admire them for what they can do.  Mostly this exploration has been done with thoughts, but an image has been haunting me for days and I have finally finished creating it, using four pages to spread it out.  

Seeing bound hands is not an unfamiliar image to me.  A number of years ago I had a recurring dream of myself being hung by my hands and thumbs.  I know, sounds pretty dramatic.  I was in a dark dank room, hanging - I remember little else before waking.  I'm not sure about sharing this story at all, but what the heck...

           

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Not long after the dreams began a friend was telling me about a woman she had done a "reading" with, for something called soul retrieval, or soul memory.  Soon, another friend had a reading, and the more they talked about it, the more my curiosity was peaked.  This was about - wow, twelve years ago.  (yes indeed, time does fly!)  Long story short, I made an appt for a reading with Ellen, which was done over the phone, since I was living in Tucson, and she was in the San Diego area.  At the time I wanted out of the desert and southwest, so my husband and I were searching for someplace to move to - that's where my primary focus and hope for guidance was when she asked what I'd like her reading to focus on.  That and the source of my then undiagnosed pain.  

We set the appt for a week or so later, and when I called her back, at the pre-arranged time,  one of the first things she told me was that she "saw" me in a past life, as a very young woman who did hands on healing in tibet.  She claimed it was in the beginning of a time of political upheaval, and I was taken and tortured.  Ellen said she "saw" my captors beat my hands and hang me from my thumbs and wrists, in an attempt to get me to confess to where the healings and worshipping practices took place, and to give names of other healers... I had told Ellen nothing of my dream (actually, I hadn't shared it with anyone at that point), giving her only my name, birthdate, what I did for a living, and a few questions I wanted answered - the usual stuff.  Whether I actually had this past life experience or not doesn't matter to me.  What matters is there is a powerful unresolved image that I carry with me, feel in my body.  One with so much energy in it that someone else, sensitive enough, was able to pick up on it, too.

           

One of the reasons I choose to explore things symbolically is that it allows me to not take it all so personally.  This removes me from ever being in a place of victim, and allows me to detach and see a situation from all angles - past, present, and potential.  I have a lot more to learn from my hands and all the energy and creativity that flows from them.  

In the mean time, I am experiencing  a great deal of pain in these hands of mine currently, but  I am aware that the ties that bind me are linked to the Divine, so as I work with and learn from them, the output of artwork may be coming at a slower pace, but it is coming.  Shifting gears, adapting, accepting, and remaining in a bit of awe about it all, I will be posting my journal pages when I do them, as I do them - but rather than daily, as I had been, you may see a slower stream.

Then again, I may start doing other work altogether! 

There are a lot of ideas percolating, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see :)

collaborative update...

I've been playing a little more in Lynne Hoppe's book, which she and I are collaborating on, and it's been quite fun!

Last time I posted the covers, now I've gone inside the book, and so far it has transformed from this...

...to this (the person is still the same color as in the original shot. I took the 2nd photo in sunshine, which kinda washed her out. There are more browns than pinks over all.)

I had the thought that I'd like to put a curtain, or something around the window that would be interactive. Lynne had framed it with silvery joss paper, and all I could *see* when I looked at it was a page out of an old journal of mine (even though they are completely different) where I had used duct tape to frame a window, and plastic sheeting over it, during the over the top fear frenzy our country went through. I felt the desire to cheer up my vision of the image I was getting- not necessarily the one that was actually there! So I added the magenta wash, and shadow stamped the chakra symbol, which is actually done with a sealing wax stamp and not made for ink, but it worked for the effect I was going for!

The shade is made

from trimmings of an actual bamboo shade

that was too large for the window I have it in.

I trimmed the edges off years ago, and saved them -

I knew the left over scrap would come in handy some day!

I wove a ribbon up the middle of the 'shade'

and created a pull at both the top and bottom,

to grab onto.

The button is there to anchor the shade

so it doesn't flop around when you open

and page through the book.

The sun rises...

and the sun sets...

Here is the new friend that has appeared to join Lynne's. He was shy before - only peering out - making sure that things were safe out there, and it was okay for the rest of his form to show up :) He realized he was among friends and has made an appearance, which made his companion so happy, she bloomed. That's how she expresses herself, as she is still learning to smile...

click on images for closer view

I scanned this one, which seems to capture the color more truly...

weekend doings

First, let me say thanks everyone, I'm feeling better.

It's been a long time since I've spent much time in my studio, and it had become a catch all mess of disorganized chaos, and not at all conducive to creating. Cat hair from it's primary resident, Pheona, had coated everything!

     

So, I spent the better part of the weekend setting things right.

  

Can you tell it's been cleaned up?!

Maybe it's in the detils!

    

It can be hard to stay focused with this view from my window...

We finally saw the sun, after an eight day stretch of clouds and rain.  So, we took my first stroll of the season, to a small city lake/pond that's a few doors down from our home.  It's primary residents are Canadian geese, but we also have some others...

    

click on any image for a closer view

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Sadly, we came across this guy...

        

...who had obviously been injured.  He was dragging one wing, which probably was broken by one of the speeding cars that use the intersecting streets as a thoroughfare.  It was heart breaking to watch.  There was a police car sitting a little way up (looking for said speeders) from the goose, and I talked to the officer, who said the goose has been injured and there for several days, at least.  The humane society had come out and tried to trap it, but they aren't really equipped for wild life - their focus is on domestic animals - pets.  I figured I'd try to find some wildlife rescue resource once I got home, and my husband and I continued our walk around the lake.

Soon we came across a young family of geese - the babies were SO dang cute!

    

Once I got home, I spent over an hour making calls and finally was able to talk to some one who does wildlife rescue.  She had already been out and tried to catch this guy about two weeks ago.  Sadly, if and when this goose is caught, it will have to be euthanized.  The injury is too extensive, and has been this way for too long, so it's *healed* as a dragged limb.  There is plenty of food for it there, and it is still eating and moving around well, so this isn't considered an emergency, now that warm weather has arrived. I found a good resource in our area to help with such animal injuries, at Animal Nation, in Rye, NY. They provide rescue, education, and some good national links for animal and wildlife rescue/care.  

I especially love this part of their mission statement:

The ultimate goal is to ignite the inherent compassion 

in the hearts of all people, through one nation, 

working together, learning, growing and teaching 

others about a society that respects all forms of life.

This goose can't swim, nor fly, and won't be able to get away from predators.  We do have coyotes in the area, so it may fall victim to a natural predator, now that it's been weakened by an unnatural one.

A new blossom from the garden - columbine.

I did do some art, but I'm going to hold off on that for another day.

I don't want to press my luck on trying to load up any more photos!

May 7

           

     For three days now, I've had weird stomach stuff going on.  It starts up in the early evening, before dinner time, making me not want to eat at all.  By bed time I've been having difficulty taking a deep breath or even standing fully straight. When my husband asked, I pointed to the spot where the pain is most acute and he said - that's your gallbladder. That makes no sense to me though, from all I know about what causes gallbladder distress. A low fat, no animal fat diet, consisting primarily of raw fruits and veggies should not be a problem for the old gallbladder! In chinese medicine, gallbladder issues can be a sign of holding bitterness and anger, which I thought about - am I bitter?  I sure have had my periods of bitter anger in the past, but I'm really not feeling either these days - I'm actually feeling more free and peaceful within myself than I have maybe ever!  Perhaps it wasn't my gallbladder, but it is in that region of the body, and you see how I mull things over!  Thankfully, I've started to improve - perhaps because of the attention I'm giving to the ideas it has provoked?

     Anyway, in my quiet time this morning I kept getting an image of a crow.  At one point, during my visualization, this giant crow hopped over, dipped his head toward me and pulled out a perfectly round, white stone, pearl like, from my stomach region, just below my sternum.   Crow, in the Medicine Cards, created by Jamie Sams and David Carson, is described as a symbol of Sacred Law, protector of all sacred texts, and represents an omen of change.  Merging the realms of dark and light, Crow lives in timelessness, knowing the present, past, and future all at once.  When Crow appears in a card spread (or as I believe, in your meditation, back yard, popping up where ever if you see a repeated pattern), asks you to take a look at how you see human law vs sacred law, and asks you to recognize your own personal law or truth.  It asks are you living by that truth and walking the talk?  I ask myself am I listening and living my personal truth fully?  What is my life's mission and how can I fully embrace and live it?

     Also interesting (to me!) is that the discomfort I am experiencing is in the stomach, or third chakra region. The 3rd chakra rules personal power, will, ego identity, and self esteem. It's also where you set boundaries for yourself - knowing how much to give, and how much to keep for oneself.  Between Crow's wisdom and what I know about chakras, I'd say I'm being asked to find the balance of how I use my inner knowledge in my outer world, how I remain present and true to myself as I move through this human plane. Of course, that's something we're all trying to do, don't you think? How do you learn from your body's messages?

 

Just for fun, I thought I'd share this video I came across, 

which shows just how dang smart and adaptable crows are!

May 5

click on images for closer view

           

Outside a few of our upstairs windows the dogwood petals trick my eye into thinking it's winter once in a while - their bright white petals against the dark branches remind me of snow, while the petals of our cherry tree are falling like snow flakes. 
The colors of spring seem to stand out even more dramatically in the gray rainy weather we've been having for several days now.

            The greens are greener...

           

   and pinks are brighter. 

                 The lilacs - I wish I could send the fragrance to you!